Scribble

A few years ago a close friend of mine sent an email to certain friends and family announcing the fact that his girlfriend had just gotten a new puppy.  I was lucky enough to be on that original list, and as you will see, I took it upon myself to share this email with all of the guys who were omitted from the original list.  After reading our responses, you will quickly understand why the email was not shared with the group and why it shouldn’t have been sent to me to begin with…enjoy. 

On Dec 17, 2007, at 4:13 PM, Geoff wrote:

I hope everyone is finding themselves well on this cold Monday in Columbus Ohio.  Check out Sarah’s new attrition to her household that will not be seeing the cold for sometime.  Teegan is the name this beautiful girl and she is an angel.  On Saturday through a decent snow storm she moved on up like the Jefferson’s from the hills of Kentucky to the rolling golf courses of New Albany and now she is residing in the comfortable condos of Downtown Columbus Ohio.  She is so cute as you can see and Sarah loves her very much  (I do too!!!), how could you not with those eyes?  In the three hour car ride back to Ohio, she melted my heart and Sarah’s was melted after seeing and holding her for one second.  Everyone from Sarah’s parents and family to Marilyn and the cashier at Lowes have had their hearts melted by this one.  She is like global warming, leaving water wherever she goes and fortunately it’s not pee

G 

If you have any problems seeing the pics let me know and I will see what I can do to getting them to you, enjoy!!

From: Josh  Sent: Monday, December 17, 2007 8:26 PM

I don’t know whats gayer, this email or you at a rave in the late nineties.

From: Todd  Sent: Tuesday, December 18, 2007 8:41 AM 

How did you type that e-mail with a dick in your mouth? 

From: Geoff  Sent: Tuesday, December 18, 2007 8:37 AM

At least at the rave I was seeing green clovers, blue diamonds & pink elephants!!!….Thanks for outing me Joshie!!!  I specifically did not send the email to these fools to lessen the abuse.  Here is the pic of the dog suckas….

On Dec 18, 2007, at 8:47 AM, “Todd” wrote:

That was almost a good choice. Josh blew the whistle on you.

From: Josh Hara  Sent: Tuesday, December 18, 2007 10:11 AM

For future reference, I don’t what on earth made you think I, of all people, would let this email go without a response. And furthermore, why you think I wouldn’t be the first in line to throw you in front of a train…besides, after reading that, you’d probably love being at the front of a train these days.

From: Will   Sent: Tuesday, December 18, 2007 9:05 AM 

Thanks G for taking the heat off me from Todd. Its official- nothing I can do, short of getting ass raped, can ever be as gay as what I just read.

Sent from my iPhone

From: Brett   Sent: Tuesday, December 18, 2007 9:10 AM

“Sent from my iPhone” is a close second in gay to “She is like global warming, leaving water wherever she goes”

From: Todd  Sent: Tuesday, December 18, 2007 9:21 AM 

I think actually blowing a guy is a less gay than “She is like global warming, leaving water wherever she goes”

From: Josh  Sent: Tuesday, December 18, 2007 10:11 AM

jerking off to macgyver reruns while wearing high heels and a cocktail dress is less gay than “she is like global warming, leaving water whereever she goes”

From: Geoff  Sent: Tuesday, December 18, 2007 9:32 AM

OK, we get it!!!  Super gay, super sappy.  You fathers know about lack of sleep with a baby, the dogs is the same with her crying all night.  I think sleep deprivation took over while typing the email at the end of the day.  Lay off homies 

From: Will  Sent: Tuesday, December 18, 2007 9:38 AM 

Holy crap, did he just say “You fathers know about lack of sleep with a baby, the dogs is the same with her crying all night”???? It just keeps getting gayer and gayer….. ummm it’s a dog right????? I couldn’t open the pics

From: Josh  Sent: Tuesday, December 18, 2007 10:11 AM

Javer seems to be caught in a gay vortex right now.  There is nothing he can type or think that is not as gay as a french waiter with glitter on his nutsack.

On Dec 18, 2007, at 9:45 AM, “Geoff”  wrote

Gayer and gayer, coming from a man who dress in all D&G!!!  I’m training the dog to pee and poop on command, I will sneak her into the Scalade and we will see whats up when she leaves you a present!!!

From: Will  Sent: Tuesday, December 18, 2007 9:56 AM

Well, I could wear a pink D&G boa and it wouldn’t even come close to being as GAY as what I read in that email.

The only thing that “dog” would do to my Escalade is make a good hood ornament!!!!!

Sent from my iPhone

From: Todd  Sent: Tuesday, December 18, 2007 10:01 AM 

Will’s on fire, and Geoff is flaming. Ha.

On Dec 18, 2007, at 10:27 AM, Geoff wrote:

You all will be receiving the wallet size of the first pic, I hope you like it!!

From: Josh  Sent: Tuesday, December 18, 2007 10:11 AM

and where do we all keep our wallets?  that’s right, next to our asses.  

calm down with all the gay shit twinkle toes

On Dec 18, 2007, at 10:53 AM, Scott wrote:

I didn’t get the picture and from Geoff’s tone I wasn’t sure if he knocked her up and had a kid.  That’s a nice “attrittion” to the household.  Stupossably I’ll be home soon so can rectify my adventure and make an ephemerality to check out your new dog.

From: Josh  Sent: Tuesday, December 18, 2007 10:11 AM

Nice scotty, I let the grammar woe go in favor of tearing him a new asshole - I figured he could get way more use out of that these days - you know, one in the drink two in the stink.

On Dec 18, 2007, at 11:04 AM, Will wrote:

HAHAHAHA as I received that email from Levin, I was typing my next comment

about “attrition” CLASSIC. He writes like a gangsta talks……..

Remember when MJ hit like his 9th 3 pointer, turned around, and just raised his hands in utter amazement as he headed back up court???????

That is what I did after my previous email………..

By the way, when are the three of you going to have your picture taken for a fabulous holiday picture????

From: Josh  Sent: Tuesday, December 18, 2007 10:11 AM

yeah, you should all take a picture sitting on santa’s lap - and if you’re lucky maybe santa will have a raging hard-on.

From: Adam B.  Date: Tue, 18 Dec 2007 16:10:19 +0000

The phone is on fire.  I’m not sure if I ever want to speak with you again after reading the email about the “dog”. Fortunately, I am not able to open pix on this stupid phone. You dudes were cracking me up as I was reading the paper in the world financial center this morning. I guess I should say congrats to u Geoff. When is the bris?

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

From: Scott  Sent: Tuesday, December 18, 2007 11:15 AM

Adam is a close third for “cock-smoker of the year” with his “Sent from my Verizon BlackBerry.”

On Dec 18, 2007, at 11:16 AM, Geoff wrote:

iphone is still #1

From: Josh  Sent: Tuesday, December 18, 2007 10:11 AM

I’m sorry, “global warming” is far away the grand prize winner - it comes with the tiara, the roses and a red satin sash with “i brush my teeth with cock” printed on it.  don’t try and deflect.

On Dec 18, 2007, at 11:28 AM, Keary wrote:

I was hoping that Adam typed the blackberry thing in as a joke…

Geoff, I hate to add fuel to the fire, but it is nearly impossible to lay off.  That was a disturbing email message.  I was cringing with a bitter-beer-face as I read it.  Calling you gay is an injustice to homos everywhere.

From: Josh  Sent: Tuesday, December 18, 2007 10:11 AM

Charles Nelson Riley would call you a faggot.

From: Josh  Sent: Tuesday, December 18, 2007 12:59 PM

Before this fades away completely, I have to copy and paste in some homo highlights, with commentary, that should be etched in our brains forevermore:

“Teegan is the name this beautiful girl and she is an angel.”

I’ll have to check the men’s rule book, but referring to a dog as a beautiful girl and an angel in the same sentence may require you to turn in your penis to the nearest male authority.  

“She is so cute as you can see and Sarah loves her very much  (I do too!!!)”

Exclamation points are very gay.  the look like little upside down dicks - and according to freud, each one used subconsciously represents how many a day you’d like to be gargling.

“In the three hour car ride back to Ohio, she melted my heart”

If she did in fact melt your heart, one can’t help to wonder if the liquid form of your heart is the same consistency as the liter of semen in your stomach.

In closing, I won’t be able to attend any upcoming tea parties you might be planning, so save yourself the trouble of sending me a frilly invitation. 

You are the human equivalent of a lace doily.  

Ta,

J

On Dec 18, 2007, at 1:23 PM, Todd wrote:

Brilliant Josh.  

I am promoting “In the three hour car ride back to Ohio, she melted my heart.” to the gayest thing anyone I have ever known has said. Congrats Geoff, you are in the hall of fame. 

From: Josh  Sent: Tuesday, December 18, 2007 12:59 PM

I believe you meant “The Hall of Flame”

From: Will  Date: December 18, 2007 1:47:34 PM EST

What about the fact that he took that FAGGOTY “dog” to Lowes????? How many real men wanted to kick your ass?. Hell, gay dudes at Lowes wanted to kick your ass

From: Josh  December 18, 2007 1:51:34 PM EST

I know Geoff has a birthday coming up in March, so no one else get him one of those little doggie handbags - I am all over that.  I am thinking about getting one in pink, to match the inner folds of his vagina

On Dec 18, 2007, at 1:57 PM, Adam S. wrote:  

Folds…ha!